"These shoes are for church... whenever we go back there."

"These shoes are for church... whenever we go back there."

These words pierced my heart when Essie said them to me as we walked, hand in hand, back from checking the mail on a Tuesday afternoon. We haven't been to church together since like, March? I don't even remember. I wish I did. Had I known it would be the last week of normal church I would have really embraced it. Taken more pictures. Something....To even just be aware that, "hey! This is the last time you will walk Essie down to rainbows. Ever. The last time you'll sit in church with your husband and all your kids be in the nurseries/class, etc" 

That is HARD. I'm going to just be so totally straight here. I hate that everything Esther should have been able to enjoy fully has been cut short. In the most abrupt and invasive way. She never got to finish Rainbows officially. She got videos sent over by messenger (which we were so thankful for btw)...but No friends. No teacher. No crafts. Nothing. 

A few weeks after school (aka e-learning) was ending, she looked in her backpack and found the flyer for "donuts with grownups" and said "Mom! This is coming up!" Nope....Canceled. Cue the tears.... The anger. The questions. She does not deserve this! She does not deserve to be robbed of these simple joys that should be a part of NORMAL HUMAN EXISTENCE. The poor child knows that her church shoes are for church but we don't go there now because the whole world is different. In her 5 year old mind, its because we're all waiting for the germies to go away.

But will they? 

I don't know about you all, but if I'm being completely honest....2020 has really made me frustrated and dare I say it, angry. Angry that this is our reality. Angry that this is what my children get as their "childhood." Everywhere I turn more reminders" wear your mask! stop the spread" and then there is all this media about BLM & people turning against one another... looting + riots + child human trafficking + I am literally over here like....how is this even real right now? I can't keep up! 

Family nights look like all of the kids in the van wearing pull ups (bc we don't want to mask them up to get out & go potty) and daddy goes into the store with a mask on while we all sit in the van and have a Chik Fil A picnic. I don't get to walk around in Costco with the kids snapping pictures, laughing, looking at clothes. I don't get to let the kids pick out fun things with me inside the grocery store... Although I was becoming leery of ever having them there with me before COVID just because of the abductions and weirdos and such. I don't get to easily just put Essie in dance or swimming or piano lessons because everything is so dang different now.  

I know this sounds negative. I know that's not usually how I roll. And I don't think I'll make this public to read. I don't know... maybe it'll help someone else to just relate? I just need to get this heaviness out and off of my chest. Because its not from Jesus. Its not from Him. This world is a reflection of darkness and human choice to take Him largely out of the picture. 

But this is not the end.

I was triggered by Essie's response of her church shoes but deep down I know that God is teaching me something new. Something deep. Something truthfully I wished I never had to learn....but I am trying to follow His leading. I really wished we could have lived in simpler times... Why does it have to be MY child that I choose to keep home from preschool because I don't want him to have to wear a freaking mask all day? He is 3!!!? Clearly I am still fighting my flesh and fighting a lot of emotion but getting it out actually does help a lot. So keep processing...keep processing... I am reminding myself. Its okay to feel this. You have to feel in order to move forward. 

This morning my best friend texted me as she was feeling totally defeated by all of this too, in different ways. Her favorite fair has been canceled and she's working from home for a lot longer than she ever anticipated. This is a version of what I sent her and I am typing it here because I need to read it again when I get stuck in this headspace of frustration....

We are really not here for this world anymore. We never should have been anyways.

Its literally all a mission now. That is my mindset. Be a warrior + raise warriors.

Everything we do is to glorify Jesus & rally together for this victory He already has won. 

The fun and "fluff" of what we knew before is fading and as FREAKING HARD as that is, we can do this.  We've been called to this. This nostalgia for normal is a real thing. Its valid. And your feelings are valid. But normal is not what we're called to. Normal is not what these kids are called to. The plans that God has for them are far beyond what we could think or imagine and what they need is to be raised up in the ways of the Lord to be able to battle the ever increasing evil in this world. To KNOW the Bible. To be able to discern truth. To hear the voice of God. We must prioritize teaching them the fundamentals. Shut off the noise. Shut off the distractions. THEY NEED US more than any other generation has needed parental guidance in the ways of God. 

Parents, we can't just lean on church anymore to teach our children about Godliness and morality. This is on US 150%! It always has been but now its glaringly evident. What are we teaching them? What are we modeling? Are we teaching them how to fight with the word and worship and prayer? 

This world does not need a community of Christians dragging their feet mumbling about how they wish things were different... arguing about who is right, who is wrong...No. This world needs a *unified* ARMY of Christ followers COURAGEOUSLY standing up against all the evil and corruption we are encountering and overcoming that with truth. Overcoming it with the power of the Holy Spirit in us. 

I am committing from this point to stop wishing things were different or that I wasn't here in this specific time period with my kids. I'm done with comparing. I'm done with hiding in the corner and hoping I can get out of here before crap hits the fan. I'm done with looking back unless its to reminisce on good memories and smile. We enjoyed the way life was up until March 2020 and by God's grace we will find a way to enjoy this new life too. It won't be unicorns & rainbows. That's not what we're after. Easy & fun & painless is not the goal anymore. It is so much more of a mission now. 

God, I give you permission to use me. I feel you chipping off the parts of my heart that aren't like yours. You are continually molding me into who you've called me to be. Please help me to be the mother and wife that my family needs, especially in this season that feels so unknown and scary. I trust You. I give this family to you. I lay all of this in Your hands and at your feet. 

You are the God I cried out to on my bed all those nights as a little girl and now again as a mama and wife, I cry out to you just the same. You have never changed. I love You. I need you. I'm so thankful for your leadership....Amen.